Dads have the best answers

With regard to the stalker mentioned two posts ago:

Me: "Can you deal with him please?"
Dad: "Sure kitten, how many bones would you like me to break?"

Helpful wife

Me: He's making me feel awful no matter what I do.
Wife: Perhaps you could mention your wife would not appreciate him speaking to you that way...and just got a new bone saw.

In which I regret ever buying a phone

As a bellydancer, I occasionally get stalkers. I did get rid of the worst one by being so ultraviolently obscene to him that he told me I was sick and never called me again, and the same treatment may be needed for this one, who has been ringing and texting from multiple numbers since October. I wasted some time begging a then-boyfriend to scare him off but that went nowhere. For months I ignored him but this week I tried replying. Today's exchange was as follows, and for the full effect one must imagine the Salad Fingers voice:

He: U make me feel funni when you do the bellroll
I: Your infantile grasp of the English language elicits far less positive feelings from me
He: U r funni. Thinking of u dancing makes me feel good.
I: Similarly, thinking of skull-fucking your mother's still-twitching corpse gives me a bit of a hard-on
He: Ur sexy

Quote

Other bellydancer: Is there a term for people with a fear of glitter?
Me: Un-fabulous!

Enthusiasm

I just came across this exchange, from nearly a year ago:

-Is he your boyfriend person?

-He is my future husband! But I am trying to be cool about him. I may be failing.

-Are you seeing him tomorrow?

-Yes.

-What are you doing?

-Kissing!

Drinking in style

Holly, reading the label of the liqueur we're drinking: "It says something in French"

Me: "What does it mean?"

Nic: "It means 'a taste of life in Paris'"

Me: "Oh, does that mean we're going to have a threesome?"